A Little Overwhelmed

I haven’t posted any of the drama going on within’ my family since family members and friends of family members read my blog. I have just decided that if I feel like airing out my dirty laundry or soliciting the advise of friends, I’m not going to let this stop me anymore. This is my place. Typically, it is my place to provide happy little tid bits about my life, respond to memes and post movie reviews and other fun stuff. Right now, however, I just need to vent and be completely real.

As many of you know, my Mom was a lesbian for the past 20 years of my life. She’s been in two long term relationships. The first was an 11 year relationship and the 2nd was a 9 year relationship. When I found this out at age 11, it was difficult and took me a few years to not only accept it but figure out how to cope with it. At 30 years of age, I had not only accepted it, but I was comfortable and I truly love the person that my Mom was with (I’m going to use the assumed name of Beth, just to respect their identity).

Well, a few months back, she decided to leave Beth. Their relationship was riddled with difficulty. To be quite honest, I understand my Mom’s decision. There were some repetitive hardships that I don’t think I could have tolerated, if I were her. However, she didn’t handle the situation responsibly. In fact, it appears that she started soliciting herself on internet dating services, before she actually left Beth.

Now, Mom has decided that she isn’t gay anymore. I don’t get it. I don’t get how she could just decide after 20 years that she isn’t gay anymore, especially since she lived many years as a straight woman before making the decision to live an alternate lifestyle. This decision raises the first flag for me. I could speculate to say that men just now started to pay attention again since she lost near 100 lbs in the past few years. Maybe she was always straight but women were the only people that noticed her internal beauty not just external. Just speculation and although I love my husband with all my heart, it doesn’t bode well for the gender she is choosing to be with now.

Well, she met someone on the internet. We will call him Beesanayches (Bees for short) to respect his identity. From what I’ve heard both from my Mother and outside sources, Bees lived with his mom in Texas. He was a disc jockey in strip clubs. He is a former coccaine addict and has been clean for 2 years. A couple months after my Mom left Beth she moved Bees in with her. 2nd Flag. I suspect the relationship will not last and have informed my Mom that I do not care to know Bees until the relationship has more longevity. Although disappointed she appears to respect my position.

Now, they’ve lived together for a month or two and I hear from Beth that Bees and my Mom are engaged. Can I say this throws up about a dozen red flags? I’m worried sick about her and I don’t if I should be. On one hand I think she’s a 49 year-old woman free to make her own decisions. On the other hand, she is a woman with a history of manic behavior and our family has a history of manic disorders.

I’m flooded with so many emotions regarding this situation. Some are rational and some are not. I know this shouldn’t bother me so much but I feel like a little girl going through another divorce. You see, my parents have made an art form out of divorce. I don’t know why this bothers me at 31 years old, but it does. I’m worried for my Mom. I’m worried that she may be manic and the results could be terrible. I’m sad because it feels like the adult relationship that Mom and I have developed is broken and I don’t know if it can be glued back together. My Mother has lead a selfish life and rarely put her children first. I thought she was a different person now and I’m sad to think I was wrong. It is hard to think of your Mother as selfish, impulsive, manic, etc.

As for Beth. I love her with all of my heart, she is family to me, but this situation is tearing me apart. I want to talk to her and tell her that I can’t discuss Mom with her anymore. The results are painful for me when I do. If I express concern or disdain then I walk away feeling guilty and hurt. I want to sympathize with Beth and support her, but again if feels like I’m betraying my Mother. Whether she deserves it or not, it is MY guilt and sadness that follows. I don’t want to lose Beth and I fear saying anything will push her away.

This may seem overly dramatic. In fact, I’ve felt on so many occassions that this shouldn’t weigh so heavy on me. I don’t know how to make it stop though. I don’t know what to do, if anything. If they are engaged, do I attend a wedding? Do I try and express my concern to my Mom again? Do I tell Beth I can’t be involved with anything to do with my Mom or do I just listen to Beth and not say anything at all? Do I just let go of everyone and lock myself up in my house with my husband. He is my safe haven, my port in the storm, my rock, my sanity and most of all my love.

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4 Comments

  1. Firebrand said,

    February 4, 2004 at 2:33 pm

    Wow, hon…just wow…. I can honestly say from first-hand experience that it is extremely hard to let go and let your parents live the life that they’re choosing for themselves. Sometimes, from our perspective standing outside the “fire”, so to speak, we see things that really concern us, but that they just can’t see as something that would be a detriment to themselves. Eventually, what I had to do was decide that the only life I could control was my own and that, no matter how much it hurt, sometimes it was just better to separate myself from painful circumstances to protect myself. Boundaries are a normal, healthy way to protect yourself and respect what you know to be your limits. If you feel that you cannot discuss your mom with Beth any longer, then perhaps it would be best to talk to her about it. As for a wedding…that’s a toughie… I don’t know if I could go myself…

    I don’t know if I’ve been any help whatsoever, hon. I really would like to think on this some more and see if I can come up with some concrete examples of how to broach this subject.

    I wish I could just wrap my arms around you all right now….I love and respect you and your family and it pains me to see all this turmoil. If you ever just need to talk, you know where I’m at, sweetie….

    Love,
    B.

  2. February 4, 2004 at 7:44 pm

    My $.02…

    I don’t think that anything you said is selfish, or something you should feel guilty for saying, or even think that you should feel any other way that *how* you feel.

    Ok.. So you’re 31 years old and what’s going on makes you feel like you a little girl again. That’s not abnormal. You’re allowed to feel like that. Just when we think we’ve got everything figured out and its smooth sailing, life has a way of throwing curve balls at us.

    While obviously I’ve not had the same familial experiences that you’ve had… and it’s not my intention to try and talk like I know it all… I can certainly empathize and sympathize with your situation. Just when I get myself to a point in my life where I was ok not having my biological parents as a part of my life, they decide that they want to be there (to some extent). And now they’ve brought these new people into life that I am supposed to accept.

    One thing I’ve come to adopt is that… it honestly doesn’t matter if parents understand why we feel the way we do. It may sound cold, but they’ve made choice for their life and we have to make ours.

    Feel how you feel. Get mad. Get upset. Have an opinion about it. Cry about it. Find the biggest dessert you can and enjoy it. Because while they may be our parents… we are also the adults now too. We have to take care of ourselves too. If your mom, Beth, or Bs N Hs are adults as well, then they should be able to respect your opinion and whatever it is that you choose to do. Don’t put pressure on yourself to figure anything out. You’ve had 31 years to get ‘adjusted’ to how things are now.

    🙂
    Always…

  3. brilly said,

    February 7, 2004 at 8:32 am

    Isn’t it hard to be a grown up child? Even though we are grown up people with our own lives we are still someones kid. And that can be harder than being a kid. As a child you just accept what is happening around you. As an adult you know that you have choices but we can’t make decisions for our parents ( even if we think they are f***ing up their lives )
    Maybe it’s time to change your relationship with ‘Beth’ it might be time for her to be a mate rather her previous role. I hope you can talk with her. Don’t feel guilty. She loved your Mum and you do too.

  4. fl0w3r said,

    February 9, 2004 at 6:01 am

    Thanks for all the sage advice and for listening (listening=reading). 😉


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