About Time For A New Post…

Don’t ya think?

Sorry for my absence. I’ve barely had the time to sit down and read my blog roll, let alone post. I’ve been missing it terribly though. Why so busy? Mainly just work. I come home late most nights and even if I don’t, I’m just so drained that I can’t force myself to sit down and write a post.

It isn’t because there hasn’t been something to write though. Monday was a pretty memorable day for me. Every Monday, my husband and I meet for lunch. Most people hate Monday’s, but I love them because it is the one day of the week that his handsome face brightens my work day.

This lunch was a little more eventful than most. We met at Perkins because they have some darn good salads! I was there and seated and he arrived shortly thereafter. I could tell from the moment I saw him that there was something on his mind. He sat down and I paused only for a moment before asking him what was up. I won’t recount the entire conversation but the gist is this…

We’ve been trying off and on to get pregnant for almost 2 year. We’ve only seriously been trying for a couple months (BBT charting). Throughout this time we’ve discussed our other options. I don’t want to go through unnatural measures. I don’t want to mess with God’s plan. Nor do we have the financial indulgence to put our money into chemical treatments, implanting, etc. and have it fail. So, we’ve basically decided that adoption would be the route for us if we can’t do it on our own. Which is fine for me. I’ve always wanted to adopt. I’d always hoped to give birth to one child and a few years later adopt an older child.

A year ago, my husband left his day job and took a night job for considerably less money. The reason was because a) he hated his day job and b) we intended to work opposite shifts when we had a child so we just got started with that a little early. He has decided that he is going to get a day job (in addition to his night job) so we can start saving for what is a very expensive adoption process in the US. As he teared up (with joy not sorrow) he said that he believes that God intends us to be parents, but our child may already be out there, just waiting to be picked up.

My emotions are so mixed. I’ve always wanted to adopt. It is almost like I have a gut feeling that this is the way it is supposed to be. We have so much love in this house. There is so much love for us to share. Mike learned how to do everything right from his parents. I learned “what not to do” from my parents. Together we will make wonderful parents, I just know it in my heart. So this makes sense. There are so many children out there that need a loving home. They need what we can provide. I’m excited to start looking into the process and to start saving.

The downside is that I feel broken. I know it isn’t rational, but I just can’t help it. I feel like I’ve failed. I detest my body for not allowing me to feel a baby inside me. I’m sure the disappointment will be behind me soon, but right now, if I could kick the tires on this jalopy, I would.

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4 Comments

  1. Michele said,

    April 29, 2004 at 8:54 am

    My dearest dearest friend. My heart aches and rejoices for you. I don’t understand the feelings you are going through but I do feel your mixed feelings. I feel the ache will subside once you have your child in your arms, sitting at the table flinging food, smelling like baby lotion, seeking comfort in your arms. Where that child came from will not be as of importance when he or she finally gets here. And I have no doubt you and Mike will be wonderful parents. What a lucky child, what a wonderful family. I love you both.

  2. Firebrand said,

    April 30, 2004 at 1:11 am

    You will both be wonderful parents! I know it will happen for you when it’s meant to. Don’t give up hope of carrying a child…I know people who have adopted and then been able to have one “naturally” still.

    As for feeling “broken”…I feel your pain. I’ve felt that way myself lately. Perhaps not in an entirely similar manner, but awfully darn close. As I said..it could still happen. There are some simple things that you could have checked that wouldn’t involve a whole lot of expense….simple procedures that might just be the key to conceiving naturally…

    I love you!

  3. April 30, 2004 at 6:19 am

    That was probably one of the most heart warming and also gut wrenching posts I’ve read in a LONG time. I know that you both have had a child on the mind for some time now.

    I ‘third’ the previous statements that you both will make great parents. Things happen for a reason. Don’t question the ‘why’ too much… Save the energy for when a baby (in whatever form she/he will take) is finally in your lives.

    I love you guys!!

  4. Susan said,

    May 3, 2004 at 9:03 am

    fl0w3r, dear… I just want you to know that although I only know you through blogging posts, I know that you and your husband will make awesome parents, whether the baby is biologically yours or not, it will still be yours. As you know, I’m going through infertility as well, and I have so much admiration for you to even be able to consider adoption. It is such a hard choice, but such a noble one, as well. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your hubby now as you start down yet another road. May God bless you both with your dreams of having a sweet little one.


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