When anxiety attacks…

This is one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do. My baby girl is still in the NICU. She’s doing well, but will still be there for a few days while she gets stronger and figures some things out. I’ve been “guesting” at the hospital. I was discharged last night, but they are letting me use a room to bunk in, however, if they fill up and need the room, I’m out. I’m extremely grateful for the option to stay, because so far, I’ve been unable to leave Evie.

I miss my husband, my son, my home and life as I knew it. I see Mike and Gabe every day, but I wish I could be there with them. I wish I could sleep next to my husband. I wish I could wake up with my son. Yes, I miss waking up at the crack of dawn. You see, after we get up at the crack of dawn we cuddle on the couch for 30 minutes to an hour. I miss that time with Gabey. I had resigned to leave the hospital this evening and go home with the boys. The moment I left the NICU for what I thought would be the last time until tomorrow, I started to ache. Tears stung my eyes and my heart began to race. She is so vulnerable. She is wholly dependent upon those around her and I should be one of those people that she depends on. She should know my touch, my voice, my smell and I need to see her bright eyes when she looks around and takes everything in.

I ended up staying in the hospital for another night. She’s going to be here for at least a few more days. I don’t know how I’ll make this work when I leave here. I need to spend time with her, but I can’t drive for another 10 days or so. Even if I could drive there is only so much that I can do with Gabe in tow. Mike will need to go back to work soon and I just don’t know how to make it all work. I NEED Evie to come home soon. I’d much rather struggle with figuring out how to make our lives work at home then struggle with making our lives work apart.

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1 Comment

  1. Michele said,

    September 29, 2007 at 8:51 pm

    😛 It’ll be OK. One day at a time. I could take you in the mornings on my way to work and pick you up in the afternoon when I get off or you could ride home with Mike and Gabe later on those days. We can figure something out. Prayers and love to you. I know you miss your daily life, it’ll be here soon. Just take a deep breath. Love you.


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